Tendrils of sight swim
memories from my child mind
vast Graveyards flash past
the coach windows
as I sat alone,
my split-self bristling
against the fabric seats
My school friends chatter
then later they climb
into sleeping bags, safe
I brought my heart out
into the moonlight, breathless
learning how not to wake
others with my grief
whilst you took your half
of my heart
high up into the heavens.
I love this.
You absolutely have to use the word 'heart' twice, Emma! This is a really powerful poem looking back at childhood, always a rich seam for poetry. It's also a wonderful title that immediately draws you in. Any more of this and we will demand that you come and read at Write Out Loud Woking on Zoom! Fancy looking in tonight, just to listen?
You could use '...brought my broken heart out...' in the first instance and then there's a sort of surprise factor where later we find it is broken completely into two and why, and that absorbs and even justifies the re-use of the word. But I didn't actually think it was a problem, I'm just suggesting this because of your comment.
In hindsight i'm not sure i should have used heart twice...
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Emma Stradling
Fri 30th Apr 2021 12:47
Thanks. I think i'll leave heart in twice. It is important after all.
I keep meaning to get onto Zoom Greg. It just hasn't happened yet and didn't see this until now.