Five stages of ask my ballowx

1.Denial 

2.Anger

3.Bargaining 

4.Depression 

5.Acceptance 

You can't physically be in denial after seen them take there last breath.

An Instant broken heart comes immediately  after a  death .

You see it  , you feel it 

You dream it.

Denial should be numbness .

The day your angels whisked you away

Was painful  and my body froze so tightly in order to stay whole.

I was completely numb 'as if I was placed in a freezer.

Inside I'm screaming ' 

Hoping I'm dreaming 

No lights beaming

Just you and the dark.

 the memories of our life explode in my mind like a movie stuck on repeat .

I weep .

No smile 

Body trembles for a while.

But I'm still alive.

Time is not a healer 

Motivation leaves you just like your Will to wash yourself. 

The movie is still playing in the back round. 

New chapters of your old life taunting you endlessly .

Ones that make you feel guilty.

Should of ' could of 

Done more.....

Said more......

Been there more....

Wish I didn't....

Wish I did.....

Why didn't I just. ....

Then boom ' anger comes at you swinging with all its might.

Your frightened because  you want to punch someone 

Blame everyone 

And absolutely wreck your home that no longer feels like home .

You feel alone in a room full of people. 

You feel needy yet you won't ask for help .

No one will understand because you have so much pain from the memories playing threw out the movie in your brain. Like a nasty stain. 

Unable to find a reason to think happy thoughts about the lovely moments you shared. 

As if they automatically disappeared .

Your childhood memories hurt the most because the pain that was caused can never be healed because there dead.

Leaving you behind wanting to follow them for answers that you always wanted but you left it to late.

Weeks  have passed and you still haven't ate. 

It's late and you can't sleep.

Feeling like bo peep counting those fecking sheep

But it's helpless 

You remain breathless .

Your hope fading ' your world starts caving .

No cooking or cleaning not even shaving.

Ignoring your friends 

Including your kids

The anger it consumes you

Everything  seem pointless.

Then the immense feeling of the love that is lost overwhelms you

Covers your entire soul like a tsunami 

No escaping 

No energy to swim

You wallow and fade deeper within .

All you want is one last hug 

One last laugh

One last smile 

To hear there voice for a short while.

The pain it cuts deeper and its only the second month , times not a healer so shut the fuck up.

Anger is no longer projected to others

It's been eight months and I blame me for my mother's wasted days.

I should of done more , 

I can't listen to your praise ' 

In a haze about the days I didn't wanna know.

These feelings of guilt seem impossible to let go.

You say I'm amazing and I should no because , I was the one who cared for her in the finale months ' feeding her dressing her and changing her bed ' all of that stuff goes over my head.

She's dead.

 

It doesn't count because  she did It for me

She was my career when I was her baby.

Yes maybe I'm been to hard on my self

But these feelings don't leave me each time I see your photo on my shelf .

I'm a wreck 

I'm stronger then I was on that day but extremely  angry at God for taking you away .

You'll never accept the loss of your mother 

You only got one and will never get another.

You know there gone and you don't wait there return but you'll never stop wishing for a different outcome .

Seven months on and my heart is still numb.

Fuck your five stages because I ain't done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

◄ Good bye old thoughts

The Great wall of lisa ►

Comments

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Aviva Rifka Bhandari

Fri 29th Jan 2021 18:07

Then, from what you say here, and what I've seen in certain other poems you have suffered many sadnesses and found your way through each one of them. I think I understand why you connect with some of my writing. I thank you for the compliment too, I'm not used to being deemed 'talented' at all.

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lisa donohoe

Fri 29th Jan 2021 16:33

Thank you Stephen ☺

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Stephen Atkinson

Fri 29th Jan 2021 16:04

Powerful stuff from the heart ?

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lisa donohoe

Fri 29th Jan 2021 15:37

Hello Aviva ?
how nice of you to drop in , and thank you kindly for sharing your love and light towards my darkness.
I know it will pass as I have also lost my dad a few years ago.
This anger is different as I'm finally allowing my self to heal.
In the past I escaped my pain by turning to substances and finding every reason under the sun to keep busy and not face my heavy emotions. Last year I have walked deep inside my soul and left no stone unturned , the last of my anger was released in this poem and it gave me strength to acknowledge all that I burried . I love your work, your extremely talented x

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Aviva Rifka Bhandari

Fri 29th Jan 2021 15:15

Intense and heart-wrenching. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sad for the impact that it is having on you. You passionately looked after your mother with all your strength and care and your best ability, and of course that means you are now passionately wrapped inside strong feelings about the loss. Life and death are so very unfair. I won't tell you that the anger and grief will eventually let other feelings in again, because you won't believe me, but I'll tell you that I hope they do.

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lisa donohoe

Fri 29th Jan 2021 14:12

The roar of anger was felt I see , thank you for your like and heartfelt comment Po. Much appreciated. ?
Missed our chats

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