Five stages of ask my ballowx
You can't physically be in denial after seen them take there last breath.
An Instant broken heart comes immediately after a death .
You see it , you feel it
You dream it.
Denial should be numbness .
The day your angels whisked you away
Was painful and my body froze so tightly in order to stay whole.
I was completely numb 'as if I was placed in a freezer.
Inside I'm screaming '
Hoping I'm dreaming
No lights beaming
Just you and the dark.
the memories of our life explode in my mind like a movie stuck on repeat .
I weep .
Body trembles for a while.
But I'm still alive.
Time is not a healer
Motivation leaves you just like your Will to wash yourself.
The movie is still playing in the back round.
New chapters of your old life taunting you endlessly .
Ones that make you feel guilty.
Should of ' could of
Been there more....
Wish I didn't....
Wish I did.....
Why didn't I just. ....
Then boom ' anger comes at you swinging with all its might.
Your frightened because you want to punch someone
And absolutely wreck your home that no longer feels like home .
You feel alone in a room full of people.
You feel needy yet you won't ask for help .
No one will understand because you have so much pain from the memories playing threw out the movie in your brain. Like a nasty stain.
Unable to find a reason to think happy thoughts about the lovely moments you shared.
As if they automatically disappeared .
Your childhood memories hurt the most because the pain that was caused can never be healed because there dead.
Leaving you behind wanting to follow them for answers that you always wanted but you left it to late.
Weeks have passed and you still haven't ate.
It's late and you can't sleep.
Feeling like bo peep counting those fecking sheep
But it's helpless
You remain breathless .
Your hope fading ' your world starts caving .
No cooking or cleaning not even shaving.
Ignoring your friends
Including your kids
The anger it consumes you
Everything seem pointless.
Then the immense feeling of the love that is lost overwhelms you
Covers your entire soul like a tsunami
No energy to swim
You wallow and fade deeper within .
All you want is one last hug
One last laugh
One last smile
To hear there voice for a short while.
The pain it cuts deeper and its only the second month , times not a healer so shut the fuck up.
Anger is no longer projected to others
It's been eight months and I blame me for my mother's wasted days.
I should of done more ,
I can't listen to your praise '
In a haze about the days I didn't wanna know.
These feelings of guilt seem impossible to let go.
You say I'm amazing and I should no because , I was the one who cared for her in the finale months ' feeding her dressing her and changing her bed ' all of that stuff goes over my head.
It doesn't count because she did It for me
She was my career when I was her baby.
Yes maybe I'm been to hard on my self
But these feelings don't leave me each time I see your photo on my shelf .
I'm a wreck
I'm stronger then I was on that day but extremely angry at God for taking you away .
You'll never accept the loss of your mother
You only got one and will never get another.
You know there gone and you don't wait there return but you'll never stop wishing for a different outcome .
Seven months on and my heart is still numb.
Fuck your five stages because I ain't done.