Now if there’s a job to do they always say
To do it yourself, even put up a shelf
Now that’s ok but only one prob
No tools for the job, ’cos I like being a slob

So, I pay a few bob to someone on the dole
To bang and drill and put screws in the holes
I can’t be arsed to be any part of that DIY
Oh, it makes me flaming cry! 

I did once have a go at a job you know
But I didn’t have a clue what to do 
The instructions said it was easy-peasy 
But it made me queasy standing on the ladder
And on top of that, I’ve got a weak bladder,
and the story gets sadder, and sadder
‘cos I went and fell off and ended up in the hozzy
My mate had to take me in his Morrison’s lorry

So, no more DIY for me, even if the tools
were flaming free, I’d rather have an operation
on my eyes, than kill myself doing DIY

What’s gets me, even with a cup of tea
it’s all so complicated, even if it’s been demonstrated on You Tube clips, or from handy man tips,
on the internet and stuff, I can’t even bluff,
my way into carrying off being a DIY boff

Wall plugs, screws, which drill bit to choose
Use a spirit level they say, but I need to pray
before I even start,
to click what I need into my shopping cart,
I mean what’s a drill number two? 
I thought it was something you did
when you sat on the loo?

So, like I said, I’ll use my head, and pay
a few bob to someone on the dole,
to bang and drill and put screws in the holes
I can’t be arsed to be any part
of that DIY, oh, it makes me flaming cry
And I don’t want to D.I.E. die!