10/31/2020

I know that you're not going to be there for me

I can calm my mind with those words, you're not going to be there for me

With the words that use to send my stomach into waves and hard knots, the drunken realization sinking in now...

That you are not going to be there for me

Again I'm waking up with all reliance on myself and my bones aching for only my acknowledgment of their ache

I'm realizing, analyzing all my wrongful thoughts, where before I'd just go ahead and say it - cause' Love - but now I hold myself back

Because I know you have no ability to process my emotions

Wakin' up sinking deeper into loneliness, to sadness, to madness aching for some kind of hold on my body whoever it is

Not my soul, for that's in remission, trying to always seek God in its free time and be good and be whole

Little thoughts whispering in my mind to just let it all go and take it all off - the mask and the act I put on for the World

But my faith holds strong in God

Despite the aching in my muscles and bones and soul to throw it all away and give up

That's the devil speaking into my life, not deserving of any acknowledgment

But still - I acknowledge all the risks I could take, all the rules I could break to give the physical evidence of my pain

Cause' no one listens, no one calls, no one helps me make sense of it all

Betrayel, abandonment, dismembering of my small body that trusted you for over a year and would have for the rest of my life

My eyes were set on you to hold me, keep me safe, and tie a knot between our souls

But month after month you left me cold

Those blue - gray - green eyes, that warm, comforting hand on my thigh, the man I thought could be in my life, failing, disappearing, asking me to just erase my memories of him

But I've got our pictures in a blue book, and your words in the back of my head, and a memory of me back down on your bed begging you to look into my soul

Lover come hold me - but you're not my lover anymore

You never let me speak my emotions, sending me back down to the deep ocean and for what?

To protect your delicate state - But I was the delicate one all along

You had chosen to ignore.. and I was blinded by red wine and narrow lines that slowly, over time, you crossed and never turned to look back at my crying eyes, mascara on your pillow case, ripped apart, tattered lace

Never took the time to process my broken face, my broken face - just an inconvenience to your oblivious lack of processing of emotions

Depression - a sick trick you work to understand, thought I was strong enough to comprehend but only to find out I'm just as broken as him.

 My first words spoken out that I held in cause' I thought one day I might be held by him - again

I know now I won't

Don't say you miss me - just don't

My first words at the bottom of my own depression, my own little confession

My first words

When you're older you'll see you and you'll see me

But that's too late.