I used to think I was my own worst enemy

and so did many of my friends.

But how could I be sure?

I decided to keep a diary, recording

faces and places, fluctuations

in pulse, B.P. and respiration,

frequency of swearing - you get the picture.

Turned out I was mistaken!

My worst enemy is Cilla Black;

I only made fifth place.

I grabbed fourth on the death

of Jeremy Beadle; I'm uncertain whether

to regard that as progress or not.