Super Size Super Skinny

Oh, Doctor Christian

So handsome in that half-man half-horse kind of way

I love your style

Patronisingly handing down little nutritious nuggest of wisdom

To the morbidly obese and the dangerously thin

-This is what you eat in a week

Does it shock you?-

A tube representing your intestines

Stuffed to the brim with gak

Saturated fat

Salt

Sugar

Processed to within an inch of its life

Your knife and fork Attack it

-You love it

You shove it down

Your porky fat face.

And as for you, Is that breakfast?

That tiny little mosel?

Your carlorie intake is dangerously low

You eat on the go

Next to nothing

You are fading away.

But I will use my shock-jock tactics

Laced with charm

to disarm you and

bring you back to the

Path of righteousness

The delightfulness

Of eating a healthy balanced meal

And taking moderate exercise.

- And all before the eyes of the waiting nation

Sat on their couches Maltezers in hand

Their waistlines expand in sympathy

As you swap meals

-Here skinny eat a load of lard

I know it's hard, but it's good for you.

And fatty, a dry chicken breat

Will test you with a little limp lettuce on the side. -

You can't hide your disappointment

But Dr Christian is there to hold your hand

Help you understand what a useless twat you've been

- No! - Clean your plate and show some gratitude! -

It's only food

and with a quick look through the family album

Dr Crhistian can sniff out the sourse of your stubborn disorder

Borderline bulimic, he could write a polemic

Body dismorphia he's got a cure for ya

But only if it involves pop psychology

and bucket loads of doe-eyed sympathy

Oh, Dr Christian, so dashing and trim

Helping the fat get thinner and the thin be not so slim

All those years at medical school

You're nobody's fool, you're a winner

The kind of guy I'd like to have to dinner

And feed, and feed with an array of fare

that you don't care for And never will

It's a bitter pill to have to take

But swallow it you must

and turst me I may not be a doctor

But I watch a lot of telly

And I know that it's ture

No matter how bad and not matter how much

A constant diet of crap TV Is always good for you

c/r kate tym 2010