My name is Pip Thomas I have been in a psychiatric ward for over 23 years. For the same thing that is being in utopia, this utopia rose more and more before every admission to hospital. My first admission I was not actually in Utopia to start with I was feeling very content. I suppose poses the question why was I there in the first place. It didn't make sense to me because for years I was in deep deep misery. For the reason that friends, family and foe walked all over me and allowed me to feel I had no personality what so ever. The weight on my shoulders got heavier and heavier. I bought a book that changed my life, it allowed me to be confident and brave. I believe totally that I was content. My brother came along and he was paranoid and told me I must go and see a psychiatrist but would give me no reason why. So I went to see the psychiatrist who had no answers to my questions, I did feel a slight amount of power. Not over people but with people and I walked into a room when I was admitted to hospital and there were at least 14 peoples heads on the tables in deep misery. I had a feeling in myself that these people have been through similar things not just the medication they were on. I found myself talking to them 1 by 1, within 15 minutes after talking to them, there minds became more clear. They were very much happier than they were before. I felt full of joy so I sang songs quite a lot, I was getting tortured because of this situation meaning that I would be carried to my bed, they held my wrist back in agony for at least half an hour. Until this injection they gave me worked on me. When I awoke I started singing again knowing that they would do the same thing. That is exactly what they did. This happened at least 6 times a day but I still would not give in singing. This happened everyday for around 3 months and I still carried on. Eventually the medication they gave me put me in the depths of hell for 3 months. When I escaped that misery I was still feeling very depressed, then they sent me home and told me I was well. Even though I felt deeply deeply depressed. I went home to an empty house, no friends or family calling on me. I felt isolated on and off for years, it made no sense to me whatsoever for I was happy when I was admitted to hospital, they told me I was ill when I was happy and well when I was very unhappy. None of this situation made any sense to me whatsoever. I was admitted 30 times over 23 years for the same thing over and over again. To have paradise in my mind and to share it with other people, lots of people responded to it and a few I believe were very jealous and phoned the police on me. They locked me up and sent me to a mental hospital again where I had the same treatment again and again and again, destroyed my mentality with medication. They sent me home once again saying I was well, so this time I threw my pills in the bin straight away when I got home and then when I got my utopia back again after 3 weeks I rose even higher than I had before. Continuation of utopia every time I went home was getting higher and higher each time. My lows were getting less and less after every admission I had. I felt I was making great strives in my life and helping other people. Every time I went on the ward it was the same situation with around 15 peoples heads on the table depressed. I was like a court jester making people laugh and getting rid of all their pain. I found that all the people that were depressed were in fact very very funny people. They had very unique personalities. The last admission I had was a low secure hospital where I don't get tortured and am well respected by most people. The food is good, I can smoke when I like before 12.00 and its a bright cheerful place. Most of the patients are friendly, I have 2 best friends who I know will be loyal to me as I will be to them. For every friend in the past has always let me down. Just to sum it all up I don't feel utopia, I don't feel depressed, I feel content. I have been that way for quite sometime. Something happened last night with a person helping my mind. I have asked a lot of people inorder to get the answer that I wanted. The question was: "Would you like to be in paradise or just feel content?". Everyone of them said they would love to be in paradise. Having been there myself 30 times, that was where I wanted to go, I spoke with a lady who discussed a party she went to in which everyone was wearing bright colours and having a great time without alcohol or drugs just dancing and mingling and smiling and just being happy. That was her utopia. After that day she went back to being happy yet she wasn't in utopia anymore. That taught me that I want to be in utopia too but in short spells.
I've broken my chains so many times And I have committed no crimes I've tasted cherries I've tasted shit And I wasn't very fond of it But I felt so good, I felt so high All my pain just passed me by I have travelled from pole to pole Many times I reached my goal Only to have it taken away Take your pills is all they say But they didn't do what they say they would They didn't make me feel so good Bipolar is my condition But my utopia is in remission I must walk the extra mile But this time keep a big broad smile.
All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.
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Blog link: https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/pipthomas
- 2018 (1)
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