Out of The Box

I want your ratings, opinions on this work-piece, 'Out of the box", a part of the anthology i just completed, "The P.O.T" (CURRENTLY SEEKING FOR INTERESTED ANTHOLOGY PUBLISHERS)


Out of the Box
Out of the Box

I was lost in the box called life…In it,

I wanted learning
but my education was deafening
I wanted truth
but my reality faked its root
I wanted to buy the right counsel
but my mind controller got me its left sell
I wanted to be free
but my pursuit turned a tree
I wanted information
but my vision brought me deformation
I wanted wellness
but my state showed illness
I wanted food
but my money was rude
I wanted a wife
but my life mirrored a knife!
I wanted the clarity of pleasure
but my naked eyes saw the dullness of pressure
I wanted to live forever
but my death was to question For Ever
I wanted peace
but my perception reflected unease

I wanted to know about people
but my understanding was a fumble
I wanted to be everyone’s friend
but my experience was the pal’s end
I wanted to be rich
but my efforts didn’t catch a fish!
I wanted direction
but my limitation was the obstruction
I wanted to know the ‘why’ to everything happening
but my answer had to cry to all prevailing
I wanted to invest in good
but my previous return showed “fooled”
I wanted to scream because of pains
but my calmness showed up because of gains

I wanted people to hear my voice
but my quest was a noise
I wanted money
but my struggle was funny!
I wanted to know why the world was divided
but the response was: “Its control is what’s favorite”
I wanted to know what happens after death
but my physical life told me I was on earth
I wanted to tell people my experience
but my words failed me in their presence
I wanted to know if I knew what I know
but my existence replied with a “NO!”
I wanted to find myself through my works
but my inner-self whispered: “If you want to find yourself, then think Out Of the Box!”

Youtube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRVOJ6fpgZs
Mon, 29 Feb 2016 11:04 am
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You cram a lot in here, some great lines.
My problem with this is the repetitive "I wanted... I wanted...".
It produces a mechanical list which doesn't appeal to me; I prefer graceful elegant language.
But hey, that's just me. The next person will say 'wow, I love the hypnotic rhythm'.
Keeeeep on scribbling! :)
Mon, 29 Feb 2016 04:00 pm
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You'll probably find the best forum for feedback on your work is the Blog section

This discussion section is used more for threads and opinions, commentary and the like.


Mon, 29 Feb 2016 10:11 pm
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