With Her Forever (Original and Versions Two and Three)
by Rob J Mann

Sunday 8th June 2025 8:09 pm

Turns out this piece of work is interchangeable, without disrupting the context too much. Anyone have a preference for any version and if so, why?



With Her Forever (Original Version)



She smeared on a sanguine smile,

Sunken pride engulfed by bile,

Reflection guilty, without the trial,

Glistening eyes hold tears awhile.



Her sheltered secrets hid in mind,

She refused, by them, to be defined.

To live, not love, nor look behind,

Determination and denial combined.



Through gritted teeth she’d take his hand,

Vowing, before witnesses, forever to stand,

In harmonious ignorance, as per her plans, ‘til

Their timer runs out of sand.



Her innocence, long dead, in its grave,

The remains of her, eternally brave.

Sentenced by memory to be a slave,

Chained to life, all dreams to waive.



With Her Forever (Version 2)



Sunken pride, engulfed by bile,

She smeared on a sanguine smile.

Glistening eyes hold tears awhile.

Reflection guilty, without the trial.



She refused, by them, to be defined,

Her sheltered secrets hid in mind.

Determination and denial combined,

To live, not love, nor look behind.



Vowing, before witnesses, forever to stand,

Through gritted teeth she’d take his hand.

‘til their timer runs out of sand,

In harmonious ignorance, as per her plans.



The remains of her, eternally brave,

Her innocence, long dead, in its grave.

Chained to life, all dreams to waive,

Sentenced by memory to be a slave.





With Her Forever (Version Three)



She smeared on a sanguine smile,

Her sheltered secrets hid in mind.

Sunken pride engulfed by bile,

She refused, by them, to be defined.



Reflection guilty, without the trial,

Determination and denial combined.

Glistening eyes hold tears awhile,

To live, not love, nor look behind.



Through gritted teeth she’d take his hand,

Her innocence, long dead, in its grave.

Vowing, before witnesses, forever to stand,

The remains of her, eternally brave.



In harmonious ignorance, as per her plans,

Chained to life, all dreams to waive.

‘til their timer runs out of sand,

Sentenced by memory to be a slave.

My request for input was not picked up on the blog, but I would appreciate any feedback. Has anyone done anything similar with their own work?
Rob

Rob, I like the third version best. It grabs my attention more and feel a stronger impact from it. Also, the flow seems more natural. Perhaps the ABAB rhyme pattern works best here.

Thanks very much for reading and commenting Marla. I like the punchiness of version 2, but I can appreciate the lilting rhythm of your preference. I had never tried this rearrangement of a piece before, but I found the process illuminating.
Thanks again, Rob