Hello,
Thanks for the kind words regarding 'molecules'. Your work is confessional which is hard to write for me (i prefer to keep a distance) so I will follow your progress with a keen eye.
Have a great day!
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Good morning Ash, what a coincidence! Give me awhile to read them. :-)Tommy
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<Deleted User> (13762)
Sat 20th Jun 2015 08:17
your poem trips off the tongue nicely Ash but stumbles in places and perhaps loses momentum towards the end. I like the shampoo line but I'd split it like this:
'and when you lay your head on my shoulder
all I smell is your coconut shampoo'
and similarly:
'and randomly wake up just to say
are you alright?'
- separation helps to highlight the important words.
I would be tempted to end:
'and you brought me light
I never knew existed'
which leaves the poem slightly open-ended. Just my opinion of course. Good luck.
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Tommy Carroll
Sat 21st Nov 2015 16:11
Thank you Ash for your words, to touch is to be touched. Tommy
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