Biography
21. I'm just a lost, confused heartbroken kid who just started writing. I think I have a knack for it but I would love feedback/Constructive criticism!
Samples
I felt as though I'd never be okay After the damage she caused She buried me deep And left me to die And the earth crushed me Like a rock under pressure And I was sure I was gonna crack And shatter But you walked into my life So nonchalantly And then I felt your hand on mine And life seemed to flow back into me, suddenly and all at once And I was revived, renewed The way you stare off as if you don't notice me staring at you Or your caring manner when you ask 'Are you okay?' A hundred times The way your hair flows off your face Or shoulder when you pull it to one side You look away when I say You're beautiful And ask what I'm thinking Like you don't know it's you And when you lay your head on my shoulder and all I smell is your coconut shampoo How you pull yourself closer In the middle of the night And randomly wake up just to say are you alright Like anyone could be discontent Next to you It's like I've been living in the dark For months And you brought me light Light I never knew existed Wanted. Needed. But now it seems foolish to not fiend for it And you gave me the tools to transform Because a rock can turn to a diamond In the right heat and pressure And you made me realize that my existence was worth more than I had measured
All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.
Blog entries by Ash
Paper Weight (20/06/2015)
(untitled) (20/06/2015)
Runners High (20/06/2015)
Polly Lane (20/06/2015)
Blog link: https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/ash
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Comments
Thanks Tommy!
Hello,
Thanks for the kind words regarding 'molecules'. Your work is confessional which is hard to write for me (i prefer to keep a distance) so I will follow your progress with a keen eye.
Have a great day!
Good morning Ash, what a coincidence! Give me awhile to read them. :-)Tommy
<Deleted User> (13762)
Sat 20th Jun 2015 08:17
your poem trips off the tongue nicely Ash but stumbles in places and perhaps loses momentum towards the end. I like the shampoo line but I'd split it like this:
'and when you lay your head on my shoulder
all I smell is your coconut shampoo'
and similarly:
'and randomly wake up just to say
are you alright?'
- separation helps to highlight the important words.
I would be tempted to end:
'and you brought me light
I never knew existed'
which leaves the poem slightly open-ended. Just my opinion of course. Good luck.
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Tommy Carroll
Sat 21st Nov 2015 16:11
Thank you Ash for your words, to touch is to be touched. Tommy