Thank you for your feedback! Looking back, I agree with you about the extra "ands". Thanks again, Stu.

Comment is about Things you should know (blog)

Original item by Claire

claire this is excellent. there is so much i relate to in this. you use the poetic medium to dispense advice, but never come off preachy. i love the peter pan reference, it works within the structure of the poem.

Your first love is one happy blur,

but heartbreak can only come from that.

that is an excellent two lines and ones that im sure countless people can relate to (myself included)

ok, dislike time.

there's only one thing id change, and thats to remove the 'and's' from the following section;

and that is why there is so much depression

and cutting

and anxiety

and suicide

and disbelief in happiness.

this is a personal opinion, but i feel you are going for power and movement through repetition.

i like this method, however i feel the and's are superfluous. changing to a new line denotes a different meaning (in this instance) and as someone who reads poems aloud to people i can hear this part in my head sounding excellent on stage. the words themselves are enough, the 'and's' (again this is only my opinion) add nothing.

but overall i really enjoyed it. its uplifting through negativity, a great overall feel.

i look forward to reading more of your work.

Comment is about Things you should know (blog)

Original item by Claire

Please comment and give me feedback on all of my poems! I like to know what people like/dislike about my work.

Comment is about Things you should know (blog)

Original item by Claire