Volleys of hailstones

from gunmetal skies

winter comes close now

in autumn disguise


branches once verdant

now shadowed and black

claw at the heavens

to beg summer back

◄ Wintry Skies

Waiting ►


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Don Matthews

Mon 2nd Dec 2019 00:36

No. The poem is perfect and complete with just your two original verses. Sometimes (most times to me) a short succint is best. Additions can many times detract and mess it up if you know what I mean. It's why I like haiku. Short, sharp, shiny......

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Trevor Alexander

Mon 2nd Dec 2019 00:14

Thanks guys. I thought it was quite 'punchy' as-is, and extending it might detract rather than improve. However, I've come up with these verses, although I'm not sure they're needed.

round guttering candles
alight on the sconce
winds rage like vandals
and howl their response

lock down your windows
and close the doors tight
hide ‘neath the bedclothes
through long winter’s night

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Don Matthews

Sun 1st Dec 2019 21:15

I like this Trevor. Bounces along nicely.

Perhaps I can satisfy Brian's thirst for two extra verses

I'm a little haildrop
Banging on your roof
What's that that you are yelling?
Stop it! bloody strewth!

I'm 'fraid I cannot help it
My master is the cloud
Shit! he's gone and just yelled out
That thunder's f.....ing loud

I'm sorry I'm not as eloquent as Trev Brian. Best I could do. Aussies are a bit rough around the edges


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Paul Sayer

Sun 1st Dec 2019 19:41

Crumbs Trevor, you really stormed it with this one.

Succinct, seasonal and poignant.

Nice read

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Brian Maryon

Sun 1st Dec 2019 19:31

Good Trev, but I had no sooner got into the rhythm when it ended. I feel like it needs another two verses. Hope you don't mind this observation.

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