Lump in my throat

This is about the guy who groomed me so language feedback would be 'really appreciated:)

 

 

In the sauna

I was an open wound.

My skin was anger:

sore and raw and 

so self-conscious-

always naked.

I'd be feverish,

dehydrated,

and shaking.

The constant craving for salt,

was provoked by me,

so it was 'all my fault'

he was so thirsty.

He'd tear me apart,

from the inside-out.

But he'd still be parched,

and so he settled for blood.

I'd be gagging,

as he clawed at his itch:

exposing

all my flesh,

and grinning

as he did it,

because at least

I felt

wet.

groomingSexual abuse

◄ White noise

In the shower ►

Comments

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Sophie Morley

Mon 1st Jul 2019 13:57

I might explore having another crack at it with a different approach thanks Tommy
But thank you everyone, appreciated x

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Stu Buck

Sun 30th Jun 2019 22:28

great stuff

Devon Brock

Sun 30th Jun 2019 22:20

Sophie, I can only second Jason's comment. Regarding form and language, in my opinion, the short lines put the pauses is an all the right places, adding emphasis to each image as the poem builds. The words are visceral, immediate and startling in what they are conveying.

D

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Tommy Carroll

Sun 30th Jun 2019 22:15

Yes Sophie,
that is indeed the word that i should have used (or a synonym). Upon reflection the word that I did use could be misconstrued.

Tommy

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Sophie Morley

Sun 30th Jun 2019 20:32

Hi Tommy
Do you mean by 'restrained' to use those words more subtlety?
That is what I meant
Cheers

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Tommy Carroll

Sun 30th Jun 2019 20:22

Sophie if by "languge feedback" you mean the usage of the particular words, why not try it with a more restrained usage of

wound
anger
sore
raw self-consious
feverish
dehydrated
shaking
and the other 15 or so descriptive terms. It would be, in effect simmilar but in reality a different piece.
Sophie I'm not advising you to 'replace' your original work but give another aspect to it.
I hope this post comes across as it is intended.

Tommy

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Sophie Morley

Sun 30th Jun 2019 19:37

Thank you Jason means a lot, and I could put in a more explicit line somewhere if it isn't clear without the added explanation! I always find it hard to find the balance between being too vague and poetic, and too crude and 'childish' almost x

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Jason Bayliss

Sun 30th Jun 2019 19:24

Without explicitly knowing what it was about it would be hard hitting. With knowing what it's about, it's heartbreaking.
Incredibly strong but skillful use of language and I have to say, incredibly strong display of courage.
No critique would be adequate, or at least I don't think so. When something is written from the heart, like this, in the teeth of bitter experience, it's beyond critique.
But I will say this much, it's really touched me with its honesty.

J. x

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