i am fearless. 

when i was 19 years old i moved to another country, alone, to search for love. and he calls and tells me what i have lost is nothing compared to what he has lost.

i am sitting in my new room, tears washing away the pain (or at least the dirt on my face) and he only thinks about the past. this room has felt a lot of love, but not even one part of it came from me. i am alone. lonely to the core of my being. my heart is burning to feel joy and to feel life like i should yet somehow he makes me crawl back into the same old feeling of guilt and betrayal.

but i am fearless.

so i will fight for my happiness as i fight for everything else that i ever wanted. finally, i want happiness. finally i believe i deserve it. finally i believe i am human. and he will not ruin my fight. i will not let him. i have let too many people take away from me, always taking, taking, taking. at the end it was also me who started to take from myself. little by little i took pieces of my soul and tore it apart, i let myself bleed, i let myself puke the emotions i felt into the toilet. little by little i took pieces of my soul until i believed there was no more soul left. there was not even a body. it was the perfect crime. i will not blame anyone. i let it happen. those were mad times when everything was allowed, everything that was cruel was celebrated. i broke my bones, i broke my own heart. no one cared to stop me, though. maybe no one cared enough. so from now on, i will try to care for myself. 

i am fearless, i hope.