Turmoil

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Fighting tears, I let the anger build
I focus on the rage, the hurt, the pain
I let it fester
Until the poison bubbles to the surface
Every little infraction sets me off
A voice, a look, a word
The voices grate, the noises irritate
People asking, ‘are you ok?’
Hell no I’m not okay
Go away, leave me alone
Come closer, hold my hand
I need a hug
I’ll be fine, really
I just need some space
And some pain
Did someone bring the pain?
I want to hit something
I want to throw something
I want to push someone
I want to shove someone
I want to hurt someone
I want someone to hurt me back
You’ll do
That didn’t last nearly long enough
Damn, now what do I do?
I want to curl up on the floor
In the corner
With a blanket
And cry myself to sleep
I want to go home
I want to leave town
I want to run away
But I have responsibilities
I berate myself
For my rage-filled behavior
For my tears that keep sneaking out
For snapping at him
For his moment of selfishness
But then I think
It was selfish
And it happened again
And it will happen again
And again
And again
Ad nauseum
But I guess I’m used to it
Why do I not speak up for myself?
Why do I not ask for what I need?
Why do I put up with bullshit?
Why do I feel bad for speaking my mind?
A thousand whys
A million excuses
Chock full of apologies
And empty promises
Why do I put myself down?
To raise others up?
To make it okay for people
To treat me like shit?
To ignore me?
To ignore my feelings?
To ignore my needs?
Why do I wait for others
To ask me what I need?
Why don’t I tell them?
Why don’t they listen when I do?
Why am I so ridiculously grateful
And touched
When someone acknowledges my needs
It makes me vulnerable
I don’t like it
Make it stop
Are you listening?
MAKE IT STOP
….please?
…I’ve been good…
…haven’t I??

 

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