It’s got to have the WOW factor,

to look better than the rest,

so we’ll stand out from the crowd

and all our friends will be impressed.

It’s got to have an en suite

attached to each bedroom

so I’ll savour the aroma

when you go to the loo.

I’ll need a walk-in wardrobe

for all my walk in clothes,

a sauna and Jacuzzi,

I really must have those,

a stainless steel kitchen

just like the TV cooks.

I’m never going to cook in it

it’s only for the looks.

It’s got to be quite minimal

so we’re selling all our stuff

all the family heirlooms

(well, we really had enough)

so we can buy an Eames armchair,

it cost ten thousand pounds,

it isn’t very comfortable

so we just stand around.

I want a sweeping driveway,

an imposing frontage too,

so we can feel much grander

than the likes of poor old you.

And it’s got to have

the WOW factor

that’s the most important part.

And it must tick all the boxes -

we’ve got a home - we’ve got no heart.

We’re moving in quite soon

if you’d like to come and stay.

We have seventeen spare bedrooms

and you wouldn’t have to pay.

Just admire our possessions

and we won’t make a fuss

and just wish you had the WOW factor

so that you could be like us.