The Tesco Express Blues:

(A tribute to the Ballard of Barry and Freda ....by the late, great, Victoria Wood)

 

I went down to the Tesco Express to buy me some beer,

Never made it inside the store because of my fear,

Cos sitting inside the chill cabinet,

Was a psycho-killer wearing fishnets,

Gonna get my Stetson and my gun,

Lay him down and have some fun,

North Western Sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express to buy me icecream,

Been drinking wife beater at home,

Now feeling real mean!

I’m wearing black leather chaps,

A blood red basque and a cowboy hat,

Ann Summers style sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express feeling quite ill!

I’ve chased down my beer with some ecstasy pills.

My mind is exploding,

My bodys imploding,

The cashiers depressed and busy offloading,

Drug fuelled sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express in just underpants!

I’m feeling quite amorous and keen to dance!

I’m going to tango,

Whilst smothered in mango,

Wearing handcuffs and pink fur earmuffs,

Kinky sex

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express for Angel Delight.

My lesbian lover is coming round for a bite!

Gonna smear it all over,

I think i’m in clover,

A threesome, a foursome,

Maybe moresome,

Swinging sex

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m going down to the Tesco Express for domestos and grout.

My OCD lover is starting to pout.

She said I can’t do it

In the kitchen or bathroom,

The germs are too numerous,

I’m not finding it humerous,

Deep clean sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m browsing the Tesco Express for non-biological,

My white-than-white lover has gone philosophical.

He’s quoting John Locke whilst playing with the washer clock,

And reciting Socrates whilst I’m down on my knees,

(put me on the top n the spin cycle please),

Tawdry laundry sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express for cooking oil,

The sexual tension is starting to boil,

We’ve made love on the breville

There’s no end to our revels,

We’ve used the hostess trolley,

Now we’re feeling very jolly,

We’re going down in the aisles with very big smiles,

Culinary sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

 

Went down to the Tesco Express to buy me some chips,

Gonna suck them from my lovers lips,

She’ll dip them in sauce,

Red hot chilli of course,

Oral sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express in a police uniform,

The weather looks rough,

There may be a storm.

I spot a sexy blonde nurse,

With a pink furry purse,

Uniformed sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m cruising the reductions,

At the Tesco Express.

A billionaire from Bury I’m hoping to meet,

The recessions been rough,

I may be on the street!

With mini skirt, white stilettos and a Tesco Bag,

And spray on tan I look a real....hag,

The Cynthia Payne, (Essex style sex),

Of the Tesco Express.

I’m down at the Tesco Express with the BOGOF blues,

Wearing red and black lace

And a smile on my face

Being bent over the freezer shelf,

It’s a hazard to my health,

Tantric sex,

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express for pink champagne,

Victoria Woods is dead,

And it’s causing me pain!

Won’t take it lying down

I’ve bought a woman’s weekly

Under the counter I’m gonna take it meekly,

S and M sex

At the Tesco Express!

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express feeling a Tory,

Heard John Wittingdales tale

Now I’m feeling real horny!

In a cat woman suit,

And licking a lolly,

Want to be bent over backwards on a Tesco Trolley,

Deep, dark sex

At the Tesco Express.

 

I’m down at the Tesco Express for a pregnancy kit,

I’ve been to the special clinic I feel a twit!

My life of wild living

And generous giving

Has ended in sadness

And a bouncing bundle of gladness,

Sex, drugs and drink,

Well it does make you think,

Happy days,

At the Tesco Express.