Seeping River

The river flows turbid

barely moving

Stagnant with thoughts

from another’s dream

Despair conveyed

with reproachful faces

The detritus of a decaying mind 

The faces swim

gaping mouths broaching

Their lidless eyes stare

devouring 

Slow eddies

draw my mind

Drain white my face to hear

distorted cries

Pulled down to depths

I sink

before the flowing weir

🌷 (4)

◄ pigeon

cut copper ►

Comments

DESMOND CHILDS

Mon 6th Nov 2017 20:29

Thanks for your comments and your advice C😀L, as you can see I have edited per your advice and I think you are right. The shorter lines do give the lines more emphasis and the poem more punch.
I was a bit dubious of removing the lidless eyes and gaping mouth bits, but I do think it works. Thanks for the advice, it’s always welcome.

All the best,des

DESMOND CHILDS

Mon 6th Nov 2017 20:17

Thank you Suki for your comments, they are much appreciated.
Poe-like,that’s a big compliment thanks, des

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Colin Hill

Mon 6th Nov 2017 09:08

literary drowning and dripping with imagery. Nice work Desmond.

I have a couple of suggestions if I may. Firstly, is the repetition of 'gaping' and 'lidless eyes' needed? Secondly, where you have commas I would choose to start a new line, for example:

The river flows turbid
barely moving

I think to spread this out would give each short line greater impact and clarity.

All the best. Col.

PS: weirs are frightening places and just the word is enough to send shivers down the spine. As Suki implied, the word sits well within the context of the poem alongside turbid, stagnant, detritus, decay, lidless, eddies and others.

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suki spangles

Sun 5th Nov 2017 22:46

Hi Desmond,

Turbid ~ a top poetry word, and perfect for this poem>

Haunting verse, Poe-like. That's a compliment btw.

Thanks for sharing.

Suki

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