old habits. new habits. you won't be proud.
I now smoke Marlboro Red 100's
But I have a black Bic lighter, not a cherry red one
When I cry from missing you, I light one up
The tears stop. My hands return to their normal steadiness and not their angsty shaky state
I inhale the smoke and watch the end of the cigarette burn bright. I breathe in so deeply that I almost cough
I exhale through my nose and a strong chemical smell overwhelms me.
It kind of smells like chlorine, but I'm not sure if that's even in cigarettes.
I wouldn't be surprised, though.
My throat feels a little scratchy and sore.
It makes me want to sing.
Instead, I normally just take another hit.
Chain-smoke until I feel like I'm gonna vomit.
You'd kill me if you knew I did this. But the smell reminds me of you. Reminds me of home.
I have to do something self destructive.
I'm cutting again.
I remember telling you when I was 3 months clean. You looked proud.
I'm throwing up my food, too.
Honestly, I don't know what you'd say to that.
I don't know what I would, either.
Probably, "you know, you can die from that."
And I'd respond with, "you know, that's kinda the point."
I would cry, and that would make you cry.
I wish you were here.
I wish you'd give me a dad talk and tell me to stop smoking.
I wish you would tell me to stop cutting and purging.
I wish you'd see why I do it and hug me.
I wish you could be here to care for me.
But instead I'm stuck with verbally abusive and violent parents
I'm stuck with a brother who is not to be trusted because I don't know if he'll try to rape me again. I mean, everyone comments on how similar his girlfriend and I look.
They think it's innocent but it's not.
I wish you could fucking save me from this unpredictability,
I need stability and support and love.
I need you.