Alonelymouse

The Garden

Thursday 6th April 2017 4:20 pm (first posted Monday 3rd April 2017 6:25 pm)

Little blue butterflies
Luscious green grass
The sun in our eyes
River as clear as glass

Fluorescent fuchsia flowers
Bold yellow buttercups
No commitments for hours
Plenty of time for hugs

Pearly white daisies
Trees whisper the wind
Getting lost in your gazes
As the baby birds sing

Clothed in cosy cotton
Resting our battered bones
All worries now forgotten
The lively beehive drones

We won't ever be stung here
Here, everything is easy
Safe from sadness and fear
Perfect for making you sleepy.

We're a long way from home
And we have a long way to go.

🌷 (2)

◄ The Art of Cheating

Suspicion ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (13762)

Thu 6th Apr 2017 16:31

hello again - I hadn't thought of the word 'bold' but it works well and if you like alliteration it would work well in front of those 'blue butterflies' especially as an opener - and you could make the other line 'little yellow buttercups' which is a rather lovely use of double letter sounds (tt/ll/tt).

Little touches like that draw the reader in without them realising and can be fun to work at. Looking forward to reading more from you when you get time.

All the best
Colin

Alonleymouse

Thu 6th Apr 2017 16:23

Hi Collin,

Thanks for the feedback, I didn't consider the fragile element if I'm honest, I more described what I've seen and put it all in one. Very interesting perception of the garden.

I've amended the little a little. Hope it's a little better. ?

All the best
Aishah

<Deleted User> (13762)

Thu 6th Apr 2017 08:41

hello Aishah, I enjoyed your Garden very much but it made me think how fragile our world is - there are some creeping doubts when you write 'battered' / 'worried' / 'sadness' / 'fear' and 'we have a long way to go'. Indeed we certainly do have a long way to go to return our world to our Garden of Eden rather than the Garden of Evil we are rapidly creating.

I couldn't help but think of this song by New Riders of the Purple Sage and the chorus:
WE LIVE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, YEAH
DON’T KNOW WHY WE WANT TO TEAR
THE WHOLE THING TO THE GROUND

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6zOnMpLYxE

just a small point but maybe consider changing one of the 'little' words to avoid repetition. Thanks for posting Aishah.

All the best
Colin

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