I built you a chamber
in the landscape
And there I kept
your name,
your sound
The air inside
bounced all around
It sucked itself
a yawning hollow
in the earth
Then carried
on the wind,
became
dispersed
The echo aches,
driving
broken ice
across the face
Silver streams
pass slowly
through the space
When I look over
at the hollow
that I made,
I am afraid
I fear the hollow
and its monstrous gaze.
Colin - thanks for your thoughts. The poem is of two parts, the first is focusing on what *was* there and the second part focuses on the absence. The two parts don't gel together as well as I would like though, so I can see what you mean.
Randall - I really appreciate your feedback and your suggestion. On rereading I agree, so I have made a change. Thank you!
It's a fantastic piece, and I love the emotion that it evokes.
I like the dissonance of this stanza:
The echo aches,
driving
broken ice
across the face
because it's broken ice. The meter of the whole stanza is jumpy, unlike most of the rest of the poem, which is generally quite lilting.
That said, for the same reason, I'm not a fan of this stanza:
It sucked itself
a hollow
in the earth
It's also carrying a dissonance, but this time, it's running a 4 syllable, 3 syllable, 3 syllable scheme, and the jarring sensation doesn't seem to fit the words.
If I could offer a solution: plant a fake syllable thusly:
It sucked itself
a ... hollow
in the earth
or an onomatopoetic cognate like this:
It sucked itself
a gulping hollow
in the earth
I'm also going to have to go ahead and disagree with Colin about the final stanzas. They do seem pertinent to me for their own right, and in their powers of emphasis and completion.
<Deleted User> (13762)
Wed 1st Feb 2017 23:33
I love the first five stanzas of this piece Rhiannon and wonder if the rest adds anything more? Colin.
It reminds me of Bleach the anime, there was this masked demon entities called hollows. I really like this piece.
Juan
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Travis Brow
Mon 6th Feb 2017 10:37
Hello Rhiannon, i'll add my tuppence worth; first off, i like your poem; i like the imagery and the general unsettling sense it evokes. As for syllable count and rhythm i do think it could be tightened up a bit but, if you're anything like me, you might end up tinkering with it for ages - i know some favour the more immediate option of writing with minimal, if any editing, and feel that making alterations after the fact diminishes the impact of the impulse which prompted the piece. The point is, yours is Poem of the Week, so kudos for that alone. Whatever you do, keep posting.
Travis.