Remembering the past, how did we not cross paths?
I saw your face briefly, maybe some quick hellos
Did we ever discuss about the paid jellos
Or partake in shared work in english or in maths

If we would have been close, I would have fantasized
About being with you, and your inner presence
And to caress your back in innocence pleasance
While holding your soft hands with kisses in disguised

But now we are grown up, and we get a new chance
We might find common ground and see where life takes us
Or just a new friendship that adds a circle plus

Seeking the redemption of the curtain's last dance
Smiling for memories that will now be future
After near collision of past without suture

◄ Porn Star

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Randall Eckstein

Fri 20th Jan 2017 01:24

Although the theme of the poem is very good, I feel jarred by the forced rhymes.

I like the second stanza most, the true feelings and passion of the moment can be felt. It just feels unfinished with the word disguised. Since it is an adjective, it begs for a concluding noun to complete the object of the preposition.

I'm not sure what paid jellos are. Is that a British thing? Likewise with circle plus. Since I don't know what these two things are, I can attribute them to British parlance, but in reality, I have a niggling feeling that they are just forced rhymes.

If you retool this a bit more, I think you've got a winner. 😃

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