I took myself on holiday

‘long England’s famous coast

A picture postcard holiday

Of which I’m proud to boast

A trip so fun and colourful

I’m sure none could compare

So please indulge me for a while

And I will take you there…

 

“A fine cup o tea is to had by the sea,

If you should ask me my sweet dear”

Said a crazy old lady with bucket and spadey

In a dune in Weston-super-Mare

And so I have found, as I covered much ground

At resorts that surround our fine land

That characters grace every inch of the place

Most with one wheel in the sand

 

But the towns, oh they too, enjoy a loose screw

Eclectic, eccentric, and odd

From the vibrant young things, with all that that brings

To those quietly waiting for God

From the breezy and fresh, to the sins of the flesh

To the painted n tainted n blue

Do be most assured, that why ever you’re lured

There’ll always be something for you.

 

In Norfolk there be a small place by the sea

Where much goes a bump in the night

A coming together in warm summer weather

Of strangers engaged in delight

A cute little town, a jewel in the crown

That carries itself with aplomb

But the mischief it makes carries rather high stakes,

It’s Cromer where the crabs come from.

 

Not far from the Smoke is a place where a bloke

Can traditionally rest for a while

If he wants pie n mash, or just splash the cash

This resort is so versatile

It’s so cheeky and rude, not a trip for the prude

Have a laugh and a joke with your drink

So bright and so breezy, the natives quite easy

It’s Margate with a nod and a wink 

 

 

Further down Sarf all are having a laugh

They are swinging and twisting and gay

Any time’s a good time, because nothing’s a crime

Go down there, if just for the day

Size isn’t an issue, just take a clean tissue

Nothing you do there is wrong

It stands out so proud, and attracts quite a crowd

It’s Brighton where the pier is long

 

 

In Cornwall is graven a decadent haven

Where loins are attracted en masse

If it’s fun that you seek every day of the week

Then this place is hard to surpass

Take the surf as it comes, as bikini clad bums

Bounce and frolic about in full view

If it’s bed with your board that you want you’re assured

In Newquay they certainly do

 

In the north of the land a tower does stand

A tribute to many such deeds

Where stag and hen dos combine nicely with booze

To satisfy a visitor’s needs

A stately old place now devoid of all grace

Where great names of the stage have all starred

If you’re let off the lead, then be sure to proceed

To Blackpool where the times are hard.

 

 

Finally I’ll relate, and I’m telling you straight

Of an incident random but true

To my dying day this story will stay

As real as me talking to you…

 

 

I saw two old dears, without hearing or cares

Camped out one Sunday in July

As toffees were chewed I saw something lewd

A brazen young nudist ran by

We’ll I did my best to complain and protest

Such behaviour on St Andrews beach

One lady had a stroke at the sight of this bloke

But the other was just out of reach!