even under a microscope
snowflakes keep their magical shape
like charms cut from paper by smooth,
shaky hands during december.
if you are a snowflake i envy you
because i am trembling just below
the surface,
a ripple of pure light that burst forth
from god, has struck the morning dew
and now has no idea where to shine.
Love the final stanza.
A very 'picky' suggestion: would you consider removing 'powerful' from the first line? And using a simple word like 'keep'. I think moving straight to 'microscope' is totally adequate and leaves the lovely alliteration of 'microscope' and magical' unharnessed; and 'keep' supports a strong rhythm.
eg:
Even under a microscope
Snowflakes keep their magical shape
Always with respect. I hear you are coming to Sale, as a guest. I look forward to meeting you in person.
Excellent Stu. There is more to this than just the obvious
delicacy , a comparison with the fragility of our feelings and security, and a true sense of being out of kilter. Rather touching for me.
Ray
If you wish to post a comment you must login.
This site uses only functional cookies that are essential to the operation of the site. We do not use cookies related to advertising or tracking. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.
Stu Buck
Thu 22nd Sep 2016 12:27
thanks both.
ray - im glad you picked up on the delicacy, i went with snowflakes because i love how they keep there shape but seem like they may dissolve at any moment.
cynthia - thanks. yes, i am coming to sale in april, it will be great to meet you. i always take suggestions on board with the respect they are given, and i agree, i prefer the way the two lines flow when changed. i have now changed them and feel it is a better piece, so thank you.