this is how far i have fallen

i cut out your eyeballs and devour them whole

 

i sleep with your entrails

arranged carefully on the side of the bed where you used to lay

a t-shirt you once wore

the jeans that you outgrew

the gloves you wore that still smell of your hands

the expensive cream you rubbed on your palms after gardening

how i ridiculed you for buying such things

i would buy you a thousand bottles now

if you only came back to me

 

this is how far i have fallen

when i found you in the bath you looked like a rose

pink and blue

red

 

the wrists you cut were not mine

but the scars belong to me

and if this sounds selfish

then it is

it is selfish

I CAN BE SELFISH NOW

because you are not here

and i am

 

this is how far i have fallen

i long to be in you just one more time

to exist in the same space and time

to explode inside you

the scent

the scent

 

the night you died i went to see a band called pissed jeans

they were angry and hateful and you would have loved them

my love

you would have adored them

 

when i found you in the bath you were pink and blue

and all i wanted to do is crawl in there with you

to taste the blood that was pooled around your back

to remember you in silk and in sunlight

to remember the tone and pitch of your voice

how you screamed with joy when we found the wild flowers

pressed in an old thesaurus

between carnage and cephalopod

how we built a life for whoever put them in there

how they never grew old

how the special sickness never found them

and they lived by a lake

and it was always summer

and their bath was huge

and regal

with lions feet

and gold taps

and people just

didn’t

die in the bath

they didn’t die

in the bath

 

and now every girl i see

reminds me of you

lying in the tub

crestfallen and beyond help

and i miss you

oh god i miss you

 

i live in a room now

alone and afraid

i have a shower

not a bath

 

the hot, strong water washes away the dirt

and the blood pools around your back