Donations are essential to keep Write Out Loud going    

Before the Deluge

 

She was light 

not just in ounces and pounds 

but in the way she moved 

 

You know what I mean

a person who can elevate the mood

of a room

with a word

or smile 

 

The pills made her heavy 

not just in the numbers 

of sizes and scales

but in the way she became still 

 

The deluge of tablets and capsules

knocked her down 

off her stage 

onto her knees 

 

left her weeping

begging anyone who would listen

to make her light again 

to dry her face

 

soaking from the water 

from her eyes and from the flood

now unable to be without 

her daily dose 

 

dependency holds her hand 

a parent who is afraid

to let the child be free 

Worried she will float away 

◄ Repetition

My Humble Opinion ►

Comments

Profile image

Alexandra Rockwell Lorenz

Wed 29th Jun 2016 14:48

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. I will come back to this one some day I am sure

Profile image

steve pottinger

Wed 29th Jun 2016 13:56

I echo the appreciation of the previous comments. That opening verse is exquisite!

Profile image

Graham Sherwood

Wed 29th Jun 2016 11:21

This is really delicate work Alexandra. I have read it several times and cannot dismiss the idea that the penultimate verse is not needed.

V1,2 and 3 are particularly nicely written.

well done.

Profile image

Dominic James

Wed 29th Jun 2016 10:18

I love the lift, the light sensation of uncontrol in the first half of this poem, perfect. Puts me in mind of Tennessee Williams. Perhaps saying "make her light again" - which is right - overstates the case, as we make the inevitable descent, just a thought.

I agree with Colin's "float above the page" line.

Dom.

Profile image

Corr Lens

Wed 29th Jun 2016 10:07

amazing! can't wait to read more!

<Deleted User> (13762)

Wed 29th Jun 2016 07:31

really like this - maybe an extra verse to close the circle and bring back the hope of being light again?

your words have a tendency to float above the page - it gives them a delicate serenity without taking away any of their meaning.

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

Find out more Hide this message