Let the weeds grow through our bodies
Let the roots grow through our bones
Let our sinews splinter
Our heart and lungs drown
In the desperate race for the sun
Let our sins bear fruit
Ripe and majestic
Let our hands and feet stretch
Far beyond the stars
Aching for light
Let our blood turn white
Let our screams fall silent as whisper
Let our tears drop like blossom
Let us return to Mother Nature
And beg her forgiveness
The revision is superb. I knew it was there.
Why dump on us your unfinished/unedited work. I truly object. And no smiley face either.
i never post edited poems here, as i use this as a proving ground to see what does and doesnt stick. as i have mentioned before, i am guilty of overindulgence. its the amateur in me!
cynthia, on the ball as ever. soon after posting this i set about editing it. i wanted the overall image to be of a tree shooting through a human being, casting him stiff and upright before overpowering him totally. the edited version reads...
Roots grow through his body
Sinews splinter
Organs drown
Sun bound
Sins of the flesh
Ripen to fruit
Branches split and splint
Reach beyond the stars
He sits at Natures feet
Weeping tears of blossom.
I am totally with the intent of this poem. But, if I may be honest, I think a much shorter, tighter version, would enhance the immensity of the theme. IMO, it has become 'laboured' with 'Let -' piled on 'Let -', even if you are striving for a Biblical tone, which would then have separate 'verses' for emphasis.
Always with respect - just an idea.
thanks ray. i have added below a link to the trailer from the fountain that i based the poem on. its a fascinating film, if flawed, and like i said, raises many questions (and answers none...)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAuxryJ6pv8
This is a really interesting poem Stu with almost a feel of the Wicker Man , primeval in its feel. I think we need to approach mother nature with a large begging bowl at this stage of our "civilization." Some very nice use of words.
very true. from dust we came and to dust we shall return as it were. this came from the tail end of a very interesting (if somewhat pretentious) film called the fountain by a very interesting (if somewhat pretentious) chap called darren aronofsky. spoiler free summation - hugh jackman ends up with flowers growing through his body as a metaphor for eternal life/rebirth. its a good film if a little saccharine and touches on several important philosophical points.
Stu, whenever I see weeds growing through a concrete slab I am in no doubt where we'll all end up and what will be here long after we've gone.
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Stu Buck
Sun 2nd Aug 2015 14:45
well, since i am a fairly new writer, and as i mentioned in my profile somewhat unsure as to what is good and bad when it comes to my writing, i like to put it all up. i would change this if the latest post did not delete the last one, as i would feel guilty clogging up peoples home pages. however, it only shows one, which leaves it up to the user if they wish to delve deeper. also, i dont have many outputs for my poetry, no friends or family with which to entrust it to, so im guilty of excitedly hurling it about. im sure, as the weeks and months pass, this will ebb away, leaving a trickle of genius, not a deluge of mediocrity!