Judgements
Judgements layer up
like bricks and mortar;
become fixed and steady
like an avid supporter
and when we don’t build in
a window, a doorway
we get stuck on sides
that no bluster can sway.
Comments
Also in sync with the prior comments.
How about:
'Judgements layer up
like bricks and mortar'
The point is crystal clear, and the line reads very strongly with the 'k' sound pressed forward in the first two syllables, followed by the sibilant 's' and the rough 'r's in 'mortar', picking up the 'r' in 'bricks'. IMO, always work sound to your intent. And I think you're after a certain pushy nastiness to open your work.
Always with respect. Could I use AWR? It's shorter.
Preeti Sinha
Mon 8th Jun 2015 15:51
Loved it
Wonderful little poem. Loving the metaphor and the message. However, one tiny niggle for me - can you get 'thin' bricks? Aren't all bricks, by their construction, thick? I would be tempted to change that. Perhaps something along the lines of 'scorched', or something else to add to (build on, if you will!) the metaphor?
Travis Brow
Thu 4th Jun 2015 15:17
This is good Natalie. Nice imagery, nice tight rhyme scheme. One point; as there is some punctuation, i think you could get away with a semi colon at the end of the second line.
<Deleted User> (13762)
Thu 4th Jun 2015 15:16
Nice one Nat. These are lines that you could revisit and play around with again and again. x
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Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sat 20th Jun 2015 16:27
AWR - Always With Respect.
I meant 'nastiness' as your poetical intent, your 'judgement' on 'judgement'. Huw's comments are always very particular, and reasoned.