moonlight melody
chords across busy sky
convulsive clouds piling to the stars
distant crescendo of angry thunder
and suddenly
cold rain drops heavily
pushed into star space
soaking my silly thoughts
as I race for cover
Cynthia Buell Thomas
May, 2015
Sorry Cynthia. Re-looking my comments do sound terse, not meant, nor irritated. I always read your work.
I do appreciate these comments.
I love cold rain. I used to lie on our hot summer lawn, like a weed in the grass, and feel the rain pelting me
from head to foot. Neighbours would peep through their curtains - thinking I was probably mad. But I didn't care.
Great pun, Hilary.
Freda, the poem is as it is. If it piques any wish for further detail, I think its purpose is already accomplished. How could I desire more?
Graham, I've alliterated you to irritation? Call some of it internal assonance - just musical sound - which may actually evolve natural and emotional imagery. A poem like this works best when spoken aloud.
Makes me miss the rain, lucky I still have my silly thoughts.
This feels like an interesting little sketch, Cynthia.
I wonder where you could take it?
There are a few different ideas packed in but not fully worked out perhaps, imho.
Not cold feet, please, but a second look to see how much it could grow?
<Deleted User> (13615)
Mon 18th May 2015 19:24
no cold feet necessary Cynthia, beautifully atmospheric x
<Deleted User> (13762)
Mon 18th May 2015 19:20
I like the simplicity, words unhindered by punctuation
'and suddenly'
splitting the poem in two with a sharp intake of breath as we feel the cold rain drops.
x
I always consider one alliteration enough, two at a stretch unless it is the main theme of the work.
I often regret posting a very new work, but I'm chancing it today. I may get cold feet tomorrow.
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Harry O'Neill
Sat 23rd May 2015 15:47
Cynthia
Neat treatment of the boom boom end of the music of the spheres.
(made all the more effective by the last four lines kind of mocking your own thought)