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A PENNY / LOST IN THOUGHT / THINK ON

THINK ON. (THIRD ATTEMPT)

I think too much, I think.
think I think too little too;
too little of myself, perhaps.
I think far more of you. 

I think of you as resolute
adaptable and brave.
I’m about as resolute
as flotsam on a wave. 

I think of you as capable,
adventurous and bold.
I'm repressed, and starched
in every paralysing fold.

I yoke myself by thinking
there’s no risk I can afford.
You take the plunge and warrant
every unalloyed reward.

 

LOST IN THOUGHT.  RE-WRITE.

I think too much, I think.
I think I think too little too;
too little of myself, I think.
I think far more of you.
I think myself inferior;
less able to contend
with what I think
I should be fit to. You,
you seem to comprehend
the bounty of an outcome
is a garland risk awards.
I yoke myself with thinking
and I beggar the rewards.

 

A PENNY - ORIGINAL VERSION

I think too much, I think.
I think I think too little too;
too little of myself, I think.
I think far more of you. 

I think of you as resolute
I think of you as brave
I think myself irresolute;
I’m flotsam on a wave. 

I think myself inflexible;
starched in every fold.
I think of you as capable,
adventurous and bold.

I think I think I might be wrong.
I think I see myself askew.
And I think I’m a certain fool
if I think I think I know you.

◄ UP FOM LONDON.

SEEDS. ►

Comments

Travis Brow

Fri 24th Apr 2015 15:15

Thanks Natalie; welcome to the debate. I've not had this kind of response before, it's ace. It keeps me on my toes, and confirms the fact that frequently, I post in haste.

Travis Brow

Fri 24th Apr 2015 10:19

Okay gents, here's the latest version; if it's not to your liking, so be it. Colin, don't butt out - comment is the reason I'm here. Graham, thanks, but it's not melancholy I'm seeking to describe; rather it's annoyance at my own vacillation that i see as driving the poem. Keep it coming, though.

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Graham Sherwood

Fri 24th Apr 2015 10:04

I personally wouldn't change the original but as per the others comments this might work.

I think of you as resolute
I think of you as brave
my melancholy is absolute;
I’m flotsam on a wave.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Fri 24th Apr 2015 07:49

How to turn a palaver into a poem? For every fifty pages of palavers one comes out good (eventually).

For me 'irresolute' looks back to 'resolute' in an easy opposite sort of way. But the next line is such a strong image I feel I want to change 'resolute' to something that carries me forward into 'I'm flotsam on a wave.' Lots of good rhymes for resolute (pollute springs to mind and links to flotsam) but there's other choices than mine.

But hey, this is your poem so I'll butt out. Must admit though, it's starting to grow on me. x

Travis Brow

Fri 24th Apr 2015 06:52

Blimey, what a palaver. I think i'll keep all the 'thinks' in the first verse, but i think you're right about using the last two lines from version 2. In fact, the last 4 lines might shift over nicely. What's wrong with' irresolute'? It echoes 'resolute' and describes the feeling precisely, so unless you can persuade me otherwise, i'm keeping it. Thanks for taking the time Colin, much obliged.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Thu 23rd Apr 2015 22:43

I think you've thinked yourself into a corner Trav. I'm with Graham, prefer the orig but I'd ditch 3 'I thinks' from the first 4 lines and swap irresolute for something new. I'd also pinch the last 2 lines of the rewrite and work them into the last 4 of the orig. Looking forward to version 3 tomorrow. No pressure! x

Travis Brow

Thu 23rd Apr 2015 12:41

Thanks Graham, now I'm really stumped. I'd started re-writing it and it seemed to be improving; getting closer to the feelings that prompted it. If i can come up with an alternate version, i may post it next to the first one, and see how they compare, should anyone else care to offer an opinion. Thanks again.

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Graham Sherwood

Thu 23rd Apr 2015 10:42

Travis, keep it as it is. I thought it was very cleverly worded. Only think I'd change is the last line, too many syllables.
Good work

Graham

Travis Brow

Thu 23rd Apr 2015 10:28

Not sure myself Colin, really. I kind of know what i'm aiming at but i realise i haven't nailed it. It's a bit messy because it reflects the uncertainty i feel about things at the moment. Written, and posted, in haste, perhaps. Still, thanks for having a look. I'll work on it.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Thu 23rd Apr 2015 07:59

ooh Trav, not sure what to think... there's lots of thinks to think about... but also some good lines too... I'm flotsam on a wave... starched in every fold... x

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