Possibly the best comedy on TV is to be found late night/early morning on the shopping channels...if you've never watched then I suggest you take and evening out of your life and dedicate it to this pursuit.

 

 

 

 Last night a crazy dream came to me,

I dreamt I bought a comfortable settee.

When I sat down the very next day,

All the springs on the bottom gave way.

I guess it was a bad dream.

 

Early morning, evening time,

Smarmy polished clandestine,

Pushers of hair brained inventions,

Whose one and only sole intention,

Is to sell their crap and take your cash,

When you’re half asleep or semi smashed.

 

It's alright ma' I'm only whining

 

Expensive versions of stuff that’s found,

In any street in any town.

You know the shop, there's one near you,

Where I live there’s quite a few.

 They charge a quid for all you see,

But the stuff I mean is on TV.

 

The claims they make are so sincere

You really won’t believe your ears.

 Don’t get me wrong, but all this sounds

Designed to make me shed some pounds.

 

This builds your muscles twenty fold,

This one cures the common cold. 

It's not a blender, not a juicer

 This makes your stools just that bit looser.

 

The huge collection of Broadway hits,

Phantom of the Opera, Putting on the Ritz,

Is a thousand tunes, specially selected,

 Songs you hate but secretly collected.

 

This cleans the floor with only steam,

It's a steaming mopping sex machine.

Just one of these taken twice

You’re as cool as the Fonz, Jesus Christ!

 

It's a bit like Remmington fuzzaway,

Or that brush that only brushed one way.

The dream of that defluffed jumper

Was just too much and then they got ya!

 

So don’t be duped by the verbose descriptions,

They’re poorly worded works of fiction. 

 

Just cut your chat,

 Take all your shit,

I’ve got no fuckin’ use for it!!