Defining My Subject: "Numbness".
Heading from somewhere to nowhere, with uncertain self-control is scary.
Being numb is like being dead. To simply feel nothing, you are or somewhat believe to become nothing. I know this because I'm a victim of it.
I'm also free, I guess, I have no pain or sorrow –although I know what all these emotions feel like, or felt like- but also no happiness or joy. I'm unbreakable, there is nothing left of or about me that can break me. Not even small shattered pieces, nothing. So that is probably 'okay'… But isn't hurting supposed to be the reason to reassure you that you are real and alive?
It’s cruel for your emotions and thoughts to give up and vanish, to shut down, to abandon you, To just leave you with only a name and a body and organs and only who you once were, reminded by that alone of all your mistakes, because you try to retrace the mistaken steps that lead you to this nothing you are now. You don't "hang on to the past" you're just looking for a reason, but there is none.
To be completely empty, dark and lonely inside makes you fade. I'm fading. It’s not fair. It makes me wonder if I really am real and present or am I actually supposed to be present and real? Fading because of emptiness and lonely hollowness takes away everything else, like responsibility, self-care, connections to loved ones, it detaches you from everyone you love and care for, soon, they look at you and know you and still see you as they've always seen you, but they somehow become strangers to you. Or so it seems.
The scary part about it all is, if this numbness has been with you since before you even realized it came to visit and make itself at home inside you, and it has been perhaps a year or two and it gets worse by the day, it is scary because it serves you nothing, literally, but it stays. And like cancer, there is no cure for numbness. Anti-depressants are made to "numb" you because you're alive and feeling too much and can't handle whatever trauma you're going through or went through, so you can't take anti-anything when numbness is nothing but simply apart of you.
It makes you feel crazy. Too lose all hope, faith, beliefs, love, happiness, togetherness, hurt, pain, sorrow, freedom etc. Makes you lose your way deeper into darkness, the deep kind where it basically can be like the Bermuda Triangle. You're gone forever. But physically still on earth. Coping with everything, but nothing makes you feel anything. You can't even cry or shed a tear because there are no emotions to allow your tear ducts to react. There is nothing that can upset or anger you. It’s almost as if you can literally accept anything that comes along.