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Chalked and chartered vapour trails
plot the sky with vacant lots,
and angels hop the scotches
when there's nothing else to do.
Dissipating, some resemble
strips of tripe or wool and fir;
or shorthand lines describing climes
beyond the curving sea.
Travis Brow
Wed 16th Jul 2014 06:38
Thank you all for your comments. I've dropped two semicolons Ray; but left the last one in. I think the last line needs the two syllables in 'instead' to make it scan properly. I've also changed 'Evaporating' to 'Dissipating'.
As is my wont, i may yet make further alterations; i'm a devil for editing; and semicolons. I appreciate the feedback, Ta.
Very gripping, vividly imaginative. Great title. In my Samples is 'flashback', using the jet trails as well. You might enjoy it.
A great vision of an heavenly art-form from the silver, silent steel eagles. Great imagination with the angels, hopscotch and tripe Andy.
Good one.
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Cynthia Buell Thomas
Wed 16th Jul 2014 13:31
Thanks for looking, Andy.
I used to agonize over poetic punctuation, being a comma and semi-colon fiend myself, but gradually I find myself steering my words less and less. I do really like interpretive ambiguity permitted to a reader. I'm hoping it is progression and not regression in skill.
There is no such thing as a clear blue sky anymore, that 'unblemished canvas' of prior years. I've had to tell myself to 'get used to it', find 'new beauty'. Like wind turbines marching across the hills, or poking up from the sea - an entirely new 'appreciation' needed. But it is damn hard!