Is your granny one of those sweet old ladies?

When a waif with an evil mam and dad

lightly taps on the door in the bleak mid-winter

hoping to thaw in the warm and wanders through

does she coo and lace his misery with Tizer

throws things together from the cupboard

showing ancient housewifery lore

to make perfect rock buns

that fill the waif to his core?

So does mine.

Does she open the door wide when she hears

a surprise knock and it's the Man from the Council

and listening to his woes about the Wife

as he services her boiler she counsels divorce

and begins to feel forty years younger

loses the key to the door with eyes shining

hurries back to the man and gives him

a taste of love with a silver lining?

So does mine.

When there's a holy attack on the door

and it's Jehovah's Heavenly people with

their unworldly dreams and chat of conversion

does she invite them in with a grimace

as they continue their immersion in her sin

and wanting the occasion to go with a blast

slips something special in their tea knowing

as for entering their Kingdom she'll be the last?

So does mine.

When she hears not a knock but a squeak of a mouse

that gives her a shock does she scream in the night

and think about climbing high on a chair

but must save her hips for the Council Man's call

so reaches for the frying pan on the cooker

and clatters the steel down on his brain

tenth the size of a midget's Midget Gem

and howls to the moon in a joyful refrain?

Ditto.