Donations are essential to keep Write Out Loud going    

Note: No profile exists for this entry - most likely it was deleted.

Bubble

 

Hope travelled as a rainbow in a sphere on a scented invisible cloud,

lifted and drifting on the waft of clean people, avoiding their shattering touch.

Through neat, narrow, shambolic streets, over signposts that tell of abode and attraction named for an infamous son.

On a gently placed breezes’ kiss Hope travelled.

Through grasping branches and barely green leaves all crowded to shelter those Lest We Forget  - it moved then on a sigh.

Hope floated until it found you held in the awe of a Minster’s gaze and there, in your safe hands, spent and exposed, it rested.

◄ Only 1 user online

Comments

Profile image

Laura Taylor

Thu 8th Nov 2012 13:17

Hmmm...yeh. I would go with the upper part being neat and the lower shambolic though - and that's NOT just me being contrary! ;)

Profile image

Isobel

Thu 8th Nov 2012 12:55

Perhaps those Tudor kind of streets could be neat shambolic - from the first floor up they are all over the place - but at street level they can be tidy?

Profile image

Laura Taylor

Thu 8th Nov 2012 12:32

Unusual structure to this...can't help but think it may be improved visually by playing with the structure on the page, but as for the actual poem itself, nope - leave that. A beautiful poem sonically - I can hear it being read out. Very musical, lilting. Lots in there to tickle my curiosity, however the neat/shambolic jars a teeny bit.

Surplus apostrophe after 'breezes'?

Profile image

Anthony Emmerson

Wed 7th Nov 2012 13:02

I always find it tricky to comment on work that's obviously very personal and offers the audience only rudimentary clues as to the subject.

The "shambolic" streets and Minster suggest York, but I wouldn't dare to venture further.

Interesting . . .

Regards,
A.E.

Profile image

John Aikman

Tue 6th Nov 2012 21:21

Well, as you singled out Isobel and I as your favourites (so far) I guess I'm obliged to pass comment...

I find this poem a puzzle. I'm notoriously averse (hah!) to puzzling poetry...I prefer poems to be immediately accessible, at least in some way, and then reveal more with each reading. This certainly achieves that...and yet remains a puzzle to me.

I wonder where the neat, narrow, yet oxymoronically shambolic streets are? There's a Minster...?

Hope floats...

Some lovely language...and I'm going to have to keep returning to it like a crossword puzzle...darn....I hope I figure it out someday...

: )

Jx

Profile image

Isobel

Tue 6th Nov 2012 17:32

There is some very delicate bubble wafting going on here. I like the image of that first line immensely. I think the concluding line also holds that mesmeric gentle quality.

My advise to you would be - don't blow it :) x

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

Find out more Hide this message