I wish I was vegan

I wish I could properly cast aside all the animal products

That in conversation I so bitterly deride

Drinking milky tea

I talk of factory farming

And big up the ALF’s attempts at disarming

I flinch at the thought of all the cruelty and pain

And comfort myself that my stuff’s free range

I wish i was a vegan

Giving up meat was so fucking easy

Why is it so much harder for all things cheesy?

That ethical glow is so addictive

What’d I have to do to show my heart’s in it?

Blow up an animal testing lab and get convicted?

I’d even give up soya to free me from my station

And tell people at parties of the deforestation

That soya farming causes

But to be a vegan there are so many clauses!

I’ve tried, i’ve tried

Fuck knows I’ve tried!

But every time I take myself for a ride

Like the other day, with all my powers

I tried to be vegan for 24 hours

I drank black tea

I stared at all the chocolate as if it was beneath me

And then I made a vegetable soup

But there was lactose in the stock cube 

Blast, double blast

Fucking double shitting wanking cunting triple blast

How long will this last?

But now I’ve thought of a way

Of venting my frustration

On all the vegans in this animal-abusing nation

I go to vegan restaurants

And it’s the new vegans I’m seeking

They’re easy to spot

They talk too loudly, too proudly

Without a clue of the revenge I’m wreaking

And I ingratiate myself into their group

And wait for a lull in conversation

And then I tell them of my new vocation

“I’m Captain of the Rant: Illegal Cheese Pusher”

Their eyes dart, I can see that they’re tempted

And then I wait until the information’s finally cemented

Before I reach in my coat, and with a little cough

Toss a chunk of Brie out on to the tablecloth

One of them looks at me

And, says with pain:

“I really don’t want to go back there again”

And I say, knowing he’s breaking fast

“Don’t you remember how good it was?”

He pauses

“No…  I can’t…”

“Yes, you can”

“No, I can’t…”

“Yes, you can”

“No, I can’t, no  I can’t, no I can’t! Please, leave us be!”

And I give a small smile and say

“You can have that one free”

I pause and stand.

I hand him a card with my number, ignoring his weeping mumbles

And walk out the door

Knowing that soon they’ll be calling me for more