Another that can be spoken or sung. If you need to ask what tune, this one probably isn't for you.

 

Sunday morning's Archers time :

Great Britain's all one county.

Breakfast in bed, and an hour sublime

Of Borset's rural bounty.

 

Who's done what with whom and when?

Is it fit to mention?

In this our longest, cleanest soap

With no family-splitting tension  -

 

For us that is : there's plenty for them

At Brookfield just to name one.

And scriptwriters miss another good chance

To enhance the ethnic dimension.

 

Though Jennifer's grandchildren both have one Mum,

Her children have fathers plenty;

And a handful of Ambridge wives make up a sum

Of widowings getting near twenty :

 

The best of them all is Caroline,

The dream-woman in my bedroom.

She puts the hook in my shepherd's crook -

Me ol' pal, me ol' beauty, needs more headroom.

 

But Caroline, you can never be mine

And not just because I'm too common.

How long will it take you to divine

You're meant for another woman?

              End of episode!  -  'crisis music'  -  Next day's episode begins  . . . 

True happiness can still win through

Though fate's ways can be peculiar :

It's because of hidden love for you

Dull marriages dog poor Shula,

 

Who's butch enough to bear that name

That would better suit an Alsatian.

Go for her Caroline, she's game -

Electrify the nation!

 

O Caroline, you stir the blood

Of many a Borsetologist.

Don't let the boys get everything good

Strike back! - and make no apologies.

 

We'd thrill anew if true love grew,

And share your yelps of passion :

We'll root for you two in what you both do

In your own special dog and bone* fashion,

 

On Sunday morning, Archers time,

When Great Britain's all one county.

Do what you like best for an hour sublime

And be glad y o u r  b e d 's  so  b o u n c y.

* A note for younger enthusiasts : Bone was Caroline's pre-marital surname                                                                                              

                                                     JOHN HEPWORTH