The more I insist I’m not a psycho or a stalker,

the more you will believe that I am one.

I’ve never done anything like this before –

honest – so I’m trying to be nice and just

break the ice somehow.

 

You have to understand, I’m getting mixed

messages on here. I’m a normal bloke, a man,

and I’m doing the best I can to ensure that

I don’t come across as being a twat, even

though the very fact I need to acknowledge

that may seem suspicious,

 

and there’s the issue of the advert promising

easy access to loose Russian bitches right next to

the bit about how you love your dog, and the

music you’re into, and how you like nothing more

than soaking up the sunshine and reading a book

with a glass of good wine.

 

I’d like to think of myself as being a ‘decent’ guy,

and you say you respect honesty, but if I was

truly honest, I’d tell you that I spend the majority

of my spare time drinking super-market brand

beer, writing sub-par poetry and wanking, but I’m

sure that would put you off.

 

Anyway, it’s past midnight and it’s taken two

bottles of wine to work up the courage to do this,

and I’ve just been sick, but I really like your hair

and the picture of you looking in the mirror and

taking a picture of yourself.

 

And I’m really not a psycho, or desperate,

or a sex-pest –

honest.