the ambition when we
started the race; the gallops and
one more breath; escaped
(
and we felt young again
pushing the threshold
of an imaginary battle
)
against the unreachable sunset
that tainted; in red the salty droplet
smashing against; the gravel
<Deleted User> (6315)
Tue 3rd Apr 2012 18:20
Really like this cept as Yvonne says you don't need your punctuation so I ignored it and it reads so well..think that last verse is wonderful. :)
I liked the first two verses - felt the pulse of youthful exuberance but the punctuation of the last verse rather flummoxed me and left me deflated.
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Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sat 14th Apr 2012 14:26
I really like this. 'the unreachable sunset' is terrific. Why did you use the punctuation in the last stanza? I do follow the 'ALMOST STOP but NOT QUITE of the semi-colon; it's intriguing, like getting old, but not dead yet.