The government has claimed

success in its most recent boot amnesty.

Boot mountains have been formed

in police station yards

throughout the country.

Original plans to issue the surrendered boots

to construction workers have been abandoned

due to a shortage of workers since the fourth credit crunch

and concern that the boots may be smuggled

out of the building sites and sold to gang members.

An alternative proposal

to ship the boots to shoeless

people in the third world

was stopped after the

Stop The War coalition

objected to weapons being exported.

Policing of the prohibition

on males between the ages of

thirteen and three quarters and

forty two being seen in public

with a clenched fist has resulted

in a claim by The Police Federation

for a trebling of the number

of police officers.

The requirement that young men

may only wear slippers in

public places has resulted in

a sharp increase in

spanking attacks in night clubs.

An appeal against the two kicks and your out

sentencing policy will go to

the European Court next week.

It is expected that the government will lose

and plans are being made for the life sentence

kickers to be released to waddle restraint.

They will be required to wear an

electronic butt plug that delivers a sharp

electric shock if the foot is raised above knee level.

Shit breaks of not more than fifteen minutes

will be permitted for up to three times a day.

A government spoke said:

“We are on target to achieve

the 64^th consecutive year

of falling crime levels.

Less than half the population

are now in prison

or subject to control orders.”