tell me about when the stars coalesced

all the anxiety you’re keeping suppressed

the very first time you went and confessed

why your ex-partners are all so obsessed

 

tell me about the existence of souls

all your perfect plans but unfulfilled goals

analyse why goats don’t get on with trolls

and why Doc Marten’s are better than Scholl’s

 

tell me about all the drugs that you test

the love of your life who wears a string vest

how you can quell society’s unrest

why you still subscribe to Reader’s Digest

 

tell me about dancing to rock ‘n’ roll

working full time but collecting the dole

convince yourself that your heart’s not a hole

or play join the dots with your mother’s moles

 

tell me about not becoming upset

your closest secret and biggest regret

how to remember and never forget

if you think spiders would make a good pet

 

tell me about all the problems you solve

how when you’re possessed your head’ll revolve

show me a sinner whom you won’t absolve

and prove that Darwin’s theories don’t evolve

 

tell me about your last three rearrests

why cuckoos lay eggs in other birds’ nests

how you love to suckle on hamsters’ breasts

and keep spare body parts in old toy chests

 

tell me about never paying the tolls

being miles ahead in opinion polls

explain event horizons and black holes

and your rhythm method of smurf control

 

tell me about the last button you pressed

the letter you sent that wasn’t addressed

how best to cope when you’re feeling depressed

where I should look when you’re getting undressed

 

tell me about Elvis in King Creole

teach me the art of your selfless-control

describe Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole

about to feed two voles a sausage roll

 

tell me about who you’d like to molest

making a brew for an unwelcome guest

those in your life who you fucking detest

why arguing’s great but making up’s best