Walls bend, introspective.
A looking-glass of truths
i'd never seen.
Green lens,
self-destructive,
helter-skelter
to obscurity.
Soft-soap and sugar-coat
until the lie is fundamental fact.
Insatiable,
lungful of loathing,
take me somewhere pretty.
For awhile.
Kamikaze crash-landing,
hits hard from behind.
Lead balloons sink fast.
I see Julian's first point: since 'Kamikaze' is self-annihilation it's hard to envision it 'from behind'. But I do like 'fundamental lie' as, for me, it carries the idea of 'basic untruths never --ever - challenged'. I'm uncertain of the 'sweet' of 'bitter-sweet'. Does 'green lens' imply 'jealousy'? Or just 'blurred'? Or both, maybe? It's an artful word. This is a well-crafted, evocative poem.
a wonderfully lyrical poem that disappears on the last two lines before lead balloons somehow. It seems to do a kamikaze crash itself.
See what it looks like without those two lines, leave the lead balloons in?
You might try taking the word 'fundamental' out and see if that adds or detracts anything, too.
"Fact" seems enough, to me; better:
until the lie is fact
just some of my musings on a poem that attracted me to read on. ignore as you see fit.
I enjoyed the poem a lot.
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Francine
Thu 7th Apr 2011 21:30
Well Kath, I have to say that I totally get this, and I absolutely love the words you have chosen. You definitely know how to say it.