Uncertain what to write on a Halloween theme?

Torn between a bleat on the trick or treat scene

and a moan at movies on the sequel screen?

Don't look back lamenting what once had been!

Get yourself a copy of Witch! magazine.

Not Which? magazine as if you're asking a question,

but Witch! magazine like you've taken possession.

Not the journal advising the modern consumer

how best to invest their riches,

the one with magic wands and wart-remover

for those unfamiliar with witches.

Don't dwell in the dark, be endowed of the facts

about women in black with pointy hats.

If you're no longer a magazine reader,

prefer more up to the minute media

then get yourself on to Witchipedia.

 

That's what I did! Man, it's wicked,

the things they used to do to witches.

Witch-hunting, witch-finding and then witch-pricking:

witches would be trussed up like a chicken

and thrown into a pond to see if they float.

They'd burn if they do and drown if they don't!

In consequence you'd think there'd be no witches left;

but witches have become more circumspect

and hang out in places most folk can't see -

I found this online dating agency

where a sorcerer can meet a sorceress

and learn the charms that leave a witch impressed.

Like eye of a toad, foot of a rabbit,

spawn of frog and a box of Black Magic.

I saw a spell that caught my interest:

How To Meet A Witch! Just follow these steps!

 

Wear your clothes inside out and the wrong way round

Walk backwards to where two roads connect

Wait until the chimes of midnight sound

A witch will appear and grant any request

 

Grant any request! I thought, I'll try it tonight

and hope to get a witch who's a bit of alright.

So I waited until the pubs had closed

then did that stuff with all of my clothes.

I'm reversing down the street and see 

a bunch of blokes imitating me.

It's Saturday night, they're out of their heads:

we're like a rewind of Zombies Dawn of the Dead.

I reached the end of the road as midnight struck

and wait for a witch and hope I'm in luck.

Then it happened as I should have foresaw,

before my eyes appears the mother-in-law -

which merely confirms what I'd long suspected -

she says "Hurry up, tell me what your request is!" 

I said I wanted a witch who was hot and saucy!

She waved her magic wand - I got Edwina Currie.