Pack rucksack:

One tooth brush.

One tube of toothpaste.

Two changes of t shirts, pants and socks.

One jumper. One anorak. One pair of shorts.

Tabacco, rizla, filters, lighter.

Two good books(one consiously difficult to keep mind busy. One accessible and entertaining).

 

No extra shoes.

No superfluous cosmetics.

You can purchase these things on your arrival.

 

Clean flat:

a good going over, use plenty of elbow grease.

Burn/throw away any pornography, lubricant or weed that is lying around.

Your loved ones do not want to remember you as a sexual deviant swivelling on a dildo who left his washing up lying around for three days.

 

Take Mp3 player and new headphones:

put only the very best tracks on.

Do not put on tracks you dislike

just to make your media library neat and tidy with full albums

you will regret it.

 

Take out all the money from your overdraft

in increments over several days.

 

Leave flight tickets and fake passport on table by mantlepeice where you can see them.

 

Remember to keep going to work.

It's tempting to shrug these last few days off

but remember the key to this is consistency.

Maintain the same carefully crafted combination

of a calm exterior whilst joyously plotting inside.

Keep pretending you like your boss: smile and shake his hand.

Laugh at his pathetically ribald, self-absorbed, misogynist jokes

even though you desperately want to beat his head in

with that framed picture of his smug bastard family.

 

Do not get drunk:

the best laid plans of mice and men

go to shit when they get pissed.

 

Give the cat some sorely needed affection:

stroke under his chin,

tickle his belly,

let him sleep with you in bed on the last night.

Whisper to him that you wish you could take him with you

but just can't.

Say you wish he could understand before it's too late

and he realises that front door will never open again.

 

Make sure last meeting with partner/parents/friends is entirely normal.

Do not get teary-eyed at the goodbyes

as they do not know it will be their last.

Let them suspect nothing

but do make a point of saying you love them.

You will never see them again

and it is not their fault you are going.

There are extenuating circumstances

that they will never understand.

 

Write a suicide note

which is full of love for everyone

and loathing for yourself.

Say you could not bare to be in this world anymore

with the depression you've been fighting etc etc etc.

Make it believable.

Research celebrity suicide notes online for inspiration

then wipe pages from Internet history.

 

Let nothing remain.

 

Make a real decision for once in your fucking life

and leave your keys behind.

Give yourself no other options.

 

This is your new life, stepping into a tabla rasa.

 

Slam front door tight.

 

Hear the scrunch of the stones scattered on your driveway

for the last time.

 

Never regret, never reflect, never ruminate.

 

Never

look

back.