FOREWORD
I found this ‘poem’ in the belongings of an old student friend.
It refers to a Claire, and I wonder, is this the Liverpudlian woman
who cleaned our college rooms at Oxford?

As a language student, I was obsessed by her dialect known as Scouse.
She was pretty, but self conscious about her big nose, and, my pal,
a trainee plastic surgeon, promised he’d make it look petite, like a twitching mouse
Stephen Sanctus Sugley, Head of Cambridge University Examination Board

CLAIRE has a twitching nasal appendage, that looks at me disapprovingly,
’cos I am not worthy of her affection, which she nose.

I seem to annoy her with my painful, punning bad verse.
An example of this you can see above.

‘Be on your guard,’ I say to her, ‘for I’m a poet,
though currently bed ridden,
and wish to adore you in rhyme and alliteration.
Also, I’m embarrassed to say, I am in love.

‘My body, like my memory, is fading, so please Clare,
with your artistic eyes, come and bathe with me, sans clothes.

‘We’ll float, admiring the little fishies,
then watch as a rabbit circles warily, its left paw scratching its nose,
as you sketch rolling fields by a chalky, South Downs stream.’

But my wild imagining is spilt by that damn dementia nurse,
who wakes me with a cup of tea, shattering my lovely dream.
Just like Claire, her schnozzle began to twitch.

That’s the trouble with this city of Brighton,
it’s historic remnants – the clock tower, Edwardian mansions
and a crumbling pier – can be obscured by filth,
but she’s always here to rescue me,
and when I nod off I shall again pursue her with stealth.

The following appeared in The Towndean Times
Dr Blevington-Blow, a respected plastic nasal surgeon,
passed away in the dementia ward of Worthing General Hospital.
He was loved by the staff, who now repeat his favourite expression,
‘I nose you know!’
The Covedean Writers and Comedy Collective, founded by the doctor,
have written a play in his memory, I’m Old But Not Sad,
in aid of the Dementia Awareness Campaign.
The group has also erected a banner in memory of him,
proclaiming, ‘So what if my poems have awful puns, dodgy rhymes,
and are full of nasal references; they’re ‘snot’ that bad.’

EXTRACT FROM A STATEMENT MADE BY PC LITTLEPLUNDER
I was called to investigate a disturbance during a funeral,
at an Anglican church in Towndean,
during which an arrest was made of Miss Claire Nasalton, who shouted,
‘I’m only paying my respects, for after he fixed my conker,
I became a famous model.’