Like a tangled knot i pull and twist and jerk and dig and strive, to give up in bafflement before starting all over again a moment later

 

You loved me beyond love

Then you left me

 

Somewhere there is some sense to be made of this; some valuable lesson that i! need! to! untangle! only this 

knot grows tighter like it’s squeezing air 

Can’t quite catch - can’t quite untangle -- just seems to disappear everytime i’m close

 

You didn’t even give me a chance to let you tell me that i piss you off

And you ran, silent, like a thief in the night, with all my jewels

 

Only i awoke during the robbery

I often awake when you stir i often find you in the dark hours before dawn, so soothing for me

Always sleep again a little, better, deeper, happier sleep after i’ve found you, sweet sleep, sweet love with your voice in my ear

Not this night

 

This night

You were gathering up all the strings attached to my heart, adding to your stolen treasure

I guess you thought they would break

As you jumped out that high window but still you are running and they are tearing, ripping, gashing, pulverizing breath

and really are any jewels still sparkly when you take them into the blackness of night

    Even if you know what the night is, even with special sights

 

It does not seem to me to be fair or just that i should be dealt this hand when i put all i had onto the table

You didn’t ask that

but i did it anyway

I stood up so tall to do that, so tall & real & sweet & wise & calming & loveful, a moment or a life

I really like those sides of me & it is baffling to me why you didn’t; too tall?

How do i explain / understand/ make sense/ untangle / not lose it all?

 

You had said you were throwing your cards on the table first so perhaps that is how i pissed you off

You had to throw down your cards because you needed both hands to play and when you played, when you perfected that one note which was the top and gave it that gotta jaunt as i whistle and tip my hat in the sunshine melody, you planted a seed.

Then when you searched hard for just the right image that not only scanned & rhymed & fit & matched but also painted a completely mysterious invisible hidden other message

to me

you watered the seed.

 

I heard you my beloved i heard all; i was so looking forward to sharing my treasure map

even now i save things that should not be saved

make things that should not be made

write things that should never be written down

show cards that should never be shown

opposing stand because once the gateway has been opened all other paths must be forsaken

 

How can we stand when you have taken away the we

What am i opposed to here alone by myself

where it is lonesome and lonely both?

 

The seed grew. Your song was the sunshine and the monumental peak of my life journey was the soil, rich and tended and cultivated for years in anticipation of this next giant seedless step alone

 

But the seed grew there, in that richness, unexpected by either of us

You still might have no idea of my soil; might think it full of dishonest twigs or using rocks or stalking slime or scheming pebbles or manipulating moss or worrisome wood chips or foul eggs or cuckold mold or web remains of a young girl who had a chance but turned grey before she untangled a knot

I screamed of my honor, my trueness, purity of heart, the rightness of me but had you silenced that sound of me?

What is a second best bed, really, is that such a complaint? Mostly cold but not always, not always

That is the soil that grew this young thickening light-filled greenery you know not

 

I said i would be forever grateful for giving me back my words 

And that if you flew, i would love you from a bridge in Madison County

For this tree has rooted, flowered, thrived in this awakening

I don’t like to be a liar so i strive to make these words true although change happens and can be forgiven

(Even when sweet voices aren’t whispering in wandering churches)

I try and try to feel grateful that you have trompled all over my precious, weary, previously protected heart

in violent thundering silence

 

You called to me in a rainstorm

-when i was cozy in my room with a good book!-

You didn’t throw a stone through my bathroom window

so no sound was made but a soft suggestion in a song

which made me wander outside into the wild elements

Wondering, wondering about Kings who wander on the moors in madness

and you pulled out the ground, my rich, rich long-tended soil,

and gallantly laid out a cloud for me to walk on

 

But as i stepped, grinning in delight like a trusting child, finally free to fly, you let go of my hand

and i fell

 

The music stopped

I had a sweet thought of music in my life but that went with a wisp of a cloud i stepped on

All i can do is wait for the ground and the shaking, fluttering, wondering, swirling, twisting horror to collide