julie callaghan

Empty Nest Again Amended

by julie callaghan

Saturday 30th January 2021 3:54 pm (first posted Friday 8th January 2021 1:38 pm)

An Amended Version....

There once was a bird, two chicks in her nest
To build a happy family, she tried her best

She nurtured them, made them healthy and strong
She taught them well, to know right from wrong

She protected them, watched them develop and grow
She loved them both, more than they will ever know

The day came around too soon for them to fly away
To take off into the world and find their own way

She wished them luck as she watched them fly
She smiled through tears as she waved goodbye

There is a bird, she sits patiently on her nest
Watching over them from afar, still trying her best

🌷 (3)

◄ Empty Nest Again

Today's Walk ►

Comments

julie callaghan

Fri 8th Jan 2021 19:39

Thanks Aviva for your comments. I appreciate you reading and comparing both versions. Yes I agree about the luck, to be honest played around with it too many times. I think I had luck in there at some point and will change it as it would read better.

Brian, that will probably be next weeks write when I am less emotional ? and can appreciate the reduction of chores.

Thanks Aviva, Hugh and Stephen G for the likes.

<Deleted User> (18980)

Fri 8th Jan 2021 18:35

Some glaring ommisions Julie...there is nothing about bringing their washing home to be done, borrowing money, storing stuff in parents's garage, etc.

Aviva Rifka Bhandari

Fri 8th Jan 2021 18:14

I liked the original but I think this is better as it has removed some (redundant) words eg. '(emotional) tears'. and 'protected them (from harm)'. I also think the new version's 'watching over them' is better than the previous 'looks out for them' as it only suggests close proximity and active involvement whereas the earlier version could dually be interpreted also as 'doesn't know when they might appear again'.

I'd just consider though that now you have 'she taught them well' and 'she wished them well' and so perhaps you could revert back to the word 'luck' with 'she wished them luck as she watched them fly' unless repetition of 'well' was part of the plan.

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

Please consider supporting us

Donations from our supporters are essential to keep Write Out Loud going

Bringing poetry to people

Click here to donate now