I've just met a woman with fourteen cats

Dogs are fine but cats fill me with fright

Sheila says they'll soon get used to me

She wants to introduce me tonight

 

I'm sitting in my car outside her house

I can almost smell the cats from here

I got scratched as a kid by a mad tabby

I've still got the scar above my right ear

 

Its eight o' clock and they're waiting

Its me versus them and I'm terrified

By now I fear that my bottle has gone

Should I knock on the door or hide?

 

A black cat just jumped onto my bonnet

Is it really there or am I seeing things?

Its yellow eyes seem to be talking to me

"Dont be afraid, come inside" it sings

 

As if in a trance I open the door and alight

The jet-black creature guides me to her porch

She looms worshipped by her tribe of cats

I'm mesmerised by the beam of her torch

 

Prone on a floral sofa I'm inside now

A platoon of cats patrols my inert frame

By my head a ginger tom calls the shots

Am I the subject of some grim feline game?

 

Sheila seemed to have disappeared but

Suddenly she's back, got up black leather

(At least I think its her behind the mask)

You could have knocked me down with a feather

 

I'm in a jungle now surounded by black pumas

Suburbia has given way to life and death

A monstrous animal sniffs my undergrowth

I blanche and just about hold my breath

 

Emerging from a tunnel smelling of Kattomeat

I wake in a sweat to find I'm back home in bed

The roar of the beast has sunk to a murmur

Sooty our new kitten is snoozing on my head