I wish there were words for how much I love you 

I wish there was something I could write 

its not a sentence or an essay or a poem

it’s a feeling and a closeness I can’t live without 

it’s days and days of trying to grow together while learning to understand ourselves 

it’s the time we spent apart and how fake and wrong it all was 

but there you were

with your beautiful eyes and your precious smile 

ready to let me take my mask off and take the pain away again 

but I do see pain in those eyes 

sometimes behind the brightness of your love for me I see fear and doubt 

and I know I can’t make it go away 

I know it was put there long ago by evil people and an evil world 

I feel evil too when we fight 

I want to protect you and not be a part of whatever hurt that beauty behind your eyes 

innocent, loving and special 

when I’m upset I say things I don’t mean 

fear is destructive and our struggles terrify me

because I’ve known a world without you 

I’ve known it’s lies and it’s shame 

I worry you aren’t happy 

or that I’m contributing in the wrong way 

so I speak from anxiety and I know it hurts you 

watching the tears roll down the prettiest most comforting face I’ve known makes me feel like my word is falling apart

and I just want to show you love 

it’s all I know 

it’s my entire world from morning to night 

I watch the tears slowly dry up as you lay in my arms 

and then mine begin to build 

out of anger at the world for hurting my baby

out of anger with myself for losing my temper when I misunderstand you 

out of sadness at watching my guardian angel forget how to use her wings 

but still you guard me 

through storms and struggles and fights 

you are there 

I don’t know if I’m worthy 

but when you hold me I don’t care either way 

I wish I could say I never hurt you 

and I wish I could say you never hurt me

but I am at home with you always 

and I promise to never give up 

I promise to be here when you become stronger

and love you while you strengthen 

someday you’ll look in the mirror and see the same person I do 

and you will love her just as much as me 

but until then we will hurt 

we will hurt together 

never apart 

but smile, my love 

you are not alone


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